Get Real: Who Do You Serve?

Have you ever felt frustration about the way things are going in your life? Felt yourself slide into a rut and not know how to pull out? How does this happen, anyway? Sometimes our lack of progress is due to a basic lack of honesty with ourselves.

In yoga, as in life, we make the most progress when we 1) accept where we are right now - as opposed to where we want to be, or were five years ago, and 2) make a good effort toward progressing forward, based on where we are. This is how transformation happens: by first getting honest with ourselves, then making appropriate changes in the right direction. As much as it serves our yoga practice, though, honest self-appraisal doesn't always make the transition off the mat, where it is also a necessary condition for change.

What prevents us from being honest with ourselves? Lots of things - all of which probably stem from a lack of mindfulness, or awareness. For one thing, we unknowingly internalize expectations of others (such as parents, society) and create our own, and our desire to live up to those expectations can bias or distort our perspective. At other times we compare ourselves with others. Or we pretend we're something we're not - creating a role for ourselves to play that is more fantasy than reality. We, ahem, bullshit ourselves because, basically, the truth can be hard and this isn't compatible with wanting to feel ok all the time, which is what we humans seem wired to do.

You may have heard that the brain has what are called reward centers, areas which, when stimulated, release a cascade of neurochemicals that make you feel good. Or better than good. When behaviors stimulate these reward centers, they are said to be intrinsically reinforcing - that is, they are more likely to happen again. If we're not mindful, we can become conditioned to act in ways (however misguided) that seek only to make us feel ok (now!), over and over again. The reward centers can in essence hijack the more rational decision making part of the brain if allowed to do so. This is why, as the commercial reminds us, you can't eat just one potato chip. Unfortunately, the brain's reward centers are not interested in self-honesty, values, ethics, or anyone else's well-being, including your own in the long-term. This primitive part of the brain is only interested in immediate gratification. Lest we become addicted, or out of control in some other way, we need to be able to resist the call of this primitive brain and be committed to a certain standard of behavior.

Living a principled life is not always the obvious choice because it's often inconvenient and the benefits are not always evident in the short-term. In the long term, though, we maximize our odds of having positive outcomes if we do the right things now. Honesty and a commitment to certain values help us resist the call of our primitive brain. We need that commitment, because resisting the urge for immediate gratification can be difficult - especially if we're used to giving in to it.

Have you ever grabbed some fast food on the way home from work rather than make the time and effort to cook something healthy? Even if we know that eating healthy food is good for us in the long term, right now we want to EAT. So we choose convenience and short-term gratification at the expense of our health. Our reward centers celebrate while our arteries harden. How often are you actually glad that you went to Greasy Burger later on? In what other ways are you taking the easy way out?

This is where a mindfulness practice like yoga or meditation can help. These practices help increase our self-awareness - which is sometimes experienced as having an outside observer of your behavior. This gives us a different perspective, which among other things, can be a source of insight about our motivations. Simply put, it's harder to bullshit yourself after you've realized you're doing it.

Mindfulness oriented practices help us cultivate and sharpen our sense of values, too. As we become more aware of what we are doing, we become more aware of the impact our behavior has on ourselves, our future, and other people. Again, it's harder to pretend what you're doing is ok when you know what your behavior is really about and who it affects. Many people also find inspiration in studying yoga, which holds central life-affirming values such as nonharming, compassion, truth and love. Sometimes we need help in reminding ourselves of the importance of these qualities.

Mindfulness practices also quiet the mind, both reducing and making us more aware of our inner chatter. By putting a space between that thought "I'm starving" and pulling into the drive-thru you are given a choice you may have bypassed before. Take a deep breath and ask yourself, "what is the best thing for me to do right now?" Ask yourself if you are being really honest with yourself, or just acting out of a desire to feel better. Finally, yoga and meditation can help lower your overall level stress and anxiety, which makes you feel better and may make you less likely to seek relief in unhealthy ways.

So, next time you're about to turn into the drive-thru lane, ask yourself: which do you choose to serve: your reward system or your commitment?

Dealing with Difficult People

Let's face it, there's no escaping it: we all have to deal with, um, challenging people from time to time. How do we do this in a way that doesn't cause us to lose our cool? I wish I had a magic wand for this one, but instead I'll offer a few thoughts.

Probably the best place to start is: cultivate some compassion for the person (whether you think they 'deserve' it or not!) and yourself. Ahimsa, the principle of non-harming, is always a good position. Yes, it can be hard to cultivate compassion for people who are pushing your buttons. But if you think about it, the best scenario is for your nemesis to be happy and well. If s/he were truly happy and well, s/he wouldn't be bothering you, right? So - how do we do that, anyway?

Observe and let go of your judgments. If this is hard, it can help to remember that people become the way they are for reasons that are multifaceted, and often out of their control. For example, a child doesn't ask to be horribly abused or neglected, and if s/he grows up to be an angry, cranky person it's probably understandable. If there's anything that I learned from my time working at the state hospital, it's that horrific, tragic things can happen to innocent people. Some people's stories are so sad it's a wonder they have any semblance of sanity. So if a person seems difficult, there may be a reason. Just remember: the person you are dealing with has a backstory, and you probably don't know the half of it.

Similarly, it can help to consider that a person's outward demeanor (ex: intimidating, confrontational, needy) may serve a purpose or meet a need. A person who is arrogant and aggressive may build a life around promoting/protecting herself because she feels she needs to. The outward behavior may be defending against feelings of inadequacy and fear.

Consider also - can you connect with this person at any level? You may be surprised to learn you both love poodles or Thai food. Or both. Or something. Look for other aspects of the person besides their "difficultness."

With all this in mind, you can soften your self-protective stance and relax when approaching someone and remind yourself, "we are on the same side." If you put your armor down, they are more likely to do the same. Take a breath, or several.

Next, ask yourself: what's the best thing to do - for all involved? Consider the viewpoint of the greater good, not just what serves your ego. Contemplate your actions from a place of love (corny as that may sound) rather than fear and self-protection. And remember that behaviors - including micro-behaviors like talking and thinking - have consequences, so try to do the right thing even when it's difficult (remember - tapas!). Best to leave a situation with a difficult person with a clean conscience. Less to worry about later.

If you have a person whose life and conduct you admire, you might bring them to mind and ask: "what would [the Buddha/Jesus/Gandhi] do? Yes, it's become a cliche, but it can be helpful in a pinch to give you clarity and a reminder of something higher than, say, revenge.

Avoid control struggles whenever possible. Ask yourself: am I really just trying to control this situation? For the good of everyone involved, do I need to? I'm not saying that you should let someone walk all over you. But if someone seems to need to have control of something and the only issue you really have is one of control (as opposed to how they want to handle it), maybe you can let it go. You can always choose how you respond to something for yourself - it's not like you're handing over the keys to your life. Besides, a person isn't really taking control if you give it to them mindfully. Of course, there will be times you will need to take control of situations for the good of everyone involved, but this is best done mindfully, compassionately and NOT in the service of your ego.

Finally, after you've interacted with a difficult person, instead of mentally concocting some story line about how awful they are or patting yourself on the back for surviving it, contemplate wishing them well. Realize, again - that this person suffers just like the rest of us, and doesn't want to any more than you do. Cultivate the wish for the person to be free from suffering. If this sounds difficult, it can be. Buddhists use this premise as form of meditation: consider the idea that every person you meet was your mother in a previous incarnation in order to cultivate the wish for them not to suffer. Wow.

So maybe you're thinking - why should I have all this love and compassion for this person who is driving me crazy?! Try it and see if it doesn't feel better than collecting resentments. I believe it's also called love thy enemy.